Gosh, I’ve been rather absent in my prattlings these last few months, haven’t I? When I was troubled there was no stopping me spouting off about all and sundry but since life took a more interesting turn at the start of the year, well, I suppose I’ve been busy living.
It’s a state of ALL SYSTEMS GO right now. My Personal Trainer course is coming along well, in fact I do my exams and practical assessment for my Gym Instructor Level 2 this weekend and then I’ll be a qualified gym instructor. Like, WTF??!! As if I’m actually doing this!! Once I’ve passed this level I go on to the Level 3 Personal Trainer course which is a further 4 months of part-time study and that’s when Shit Becomes Real.
Seeing as this is something that is so utterly unlike anything I’ve ever done before, I figured I needed to get my foot in the door somehow and get me some experience while I’m getting qualified. I know sweet F.A. about how to ‘make it’ in the fitness industry so gathered my courage and spoke to the manager of one of the gyms I’m a member of (yes, I go to more than one gym) and simply asked if there was scope for me to get some work experience one I’d passed my Level 2 exams. Lo and behold, the fitness gods were beaming down on me that day and I bagged myself a 5 hour shift per week!
For insurance reasons I can’t do 1:1 stuff with people for a full session as that is classed as ‘personal training’, despite me being qualified to do 1:1 stuff with gym equipment/machines/free weights etc, but I can deliver inductions, write AND SELL gym programmes, show people how to use different pieces of equipment and generally get used to working on a gym floor. The manager said all the PTs there are self-employed so the opportunity is there to seek out clients any way you want. Although I couldn’t PT right now, there was nothing stopping me proactively offering gym programmes to gym-goers with a view to taking them on as PT clients when I got that qualification further down the line. I think my proactivity impressed him so, things all going to plan, I may even have a job lined up there in 4 months’ time!
It’s feeling far more real now that my first lot of exams are imminent and I’m slightly shitting myself, if truth be told. I’m conflicted between excitement that I’m making all these positive changes to my life and working towards something great and wanting to stay where I am. I’ve worked for the same company for nearly 14 years (fourteen years, people!) so it’s all I’ve really ever known. The weird thing is that I’m currently just feeling all antsy in work and, well, bored by it as it’s pretty unchallenging in the grand scheme of things, but this makes it stressful. Does that make sense? I find that a lack of mental stimulation bores me senseless which leads to me feeling all stressy and shit. So, I’m bored, unfulfilled, jaded in my current work yet at the same time terrified about the possibility of leaving there and going it alone as a self-employed person.
Think this meme was created just for my benefit. What’s to say changing careers won’t be the best bloody decision I’ve ever made? What I find hard isn’t the studying – that’s easy – the challenge is overcoming my lack of self-belief. This is some seriously difficult shit I’m battling with as I still can’t quite believe I’ve taken the step to do this. ‘Feel the fear and do it anyway’. Hells yeah I’m feeling all the feels and the fears and still ploughing through! This comfort zone is just swaddling me in cotton wool and making my head feel foggy and I’m definitely feel the urge to break away from it.
Throw into the above melting pot of change and turmoil is yet more change; I’m moving house this month at some point. We’re yet to confirm our moving date as my friend’s work need to get their skates on and complete her reference. Which will literally take them 2 minutes yet they’ve had the request since Monday and have just done F.A with it. I’ve suggested she press them and says we’re going to lose the house if they don’t get it done today. More potential stressy stuff there as we need our moving date to arrange for furniture to be delivered, broadband set up and all the other gubbins that comes with moving house. Exciting and fun but a lot to deal with.
Another curve ball is that I’m going on holiday in 3 week’s time, so I chose a great time to decide to move house, eh? Hopefully, we can secure a moving date for about the 18th of this month which means I can get on and order the furniture which can get delivered that day. It’s all up in the air right now though and entirely dependent on my friend’s employers sorting their shit out.
Lastly, I came off my antidepressants about 3 weeks ago. Totally by accident as I just forgot to take them for a week. In all honesty, I’d been pretty crap and taking them for a while and missing 2, 3, 4 days here and there. About a week after taking the last one I got really sick, and not just the ‘flu like symptoms’ that can occur under withdrawal but full-blown man-flu. I was dyin’. I had about a week off work and it’s taken a good 2 weeks for me to feel physically better. I was quite down in the dumps for this time and naturally my mind started whirring about whether I’d done the right thing by stopping the pills. I figured I’d try and ride it out and see if things got better, which I’m relieved to say they have. My mood has got steadily better as this week has gone on, I’ve interest in doing stuff again and am back into exercise (I took two weeks off this when I was ill).
It’s perhaps not surprising that I was feeling a bit out of sorts with so much going on, and BIG, life-changing stuff too. I’ve lived in my current house for 9 years so it’s a big deal for me to up sticks and leave after all this time, I’ve had exams looming and the inner turmoil of self-doubting thoughts doing the rounds and questioning whether this was my depression coming back contributed to a rather stressful time.
I’ll aim to check-in more frequently than I have been as I’m sure the next few months will throw up all sorts of challenges, so the angst will return along with the creative juices to write! Hurrah! I bet you all can’t wait.
That’s enough about me for today. Toodles.
(*) Fans of the late, great Terry Pratchett will get this 😉